Hope
by jayjthebigmouth
Summary: Hope is one thing Dan Howell doesn't think he'll ever have again. Hope is one thing Phil Lester needs to have for his best friend to get better. Through Anime watching and stolen kisses, through suicide and depression, through late night confessions and tears... Hope will always remain. (Rated T for themes of suicide and self harm)
It had seemed like such an ordinary day. Phil had been out to get some things-batteries, soda, some stuff for his next video. Dan had seemed a little down lately, a little out of the ordinary. It was in the shadows under his eyes, the slump in his shoulders. Small things that only a best friend would notice. He was hiding it well, but Phil knew he was struggling. He'd perked up that day, though. He had noticeably more energy. So Phil didn't feel so bad leaving him for a few hours. But he got an eerie feeling when he returned to the flat. He expected lights, Dan making noise. He'd been planning to make a video today. But the flat was dark, and seemed empty. A bolt of fear shot through him.

"Dan?" He called. "Dan?" There was no answer. Dropping the shopping bags, he sprinted up to Dan's room. "Dan!" He burst through the door into Dan's room.

Dan was on the floor, an open bottle of pills spilled onto the floor beside him. He was pale as death. "Oh my god." He rushed forward. Dan was still breathing, still had a pulse. Phil pulled out his cell to call 999.

Two days. Two goddamn days.

That's how long it took for Dan to wake up. Phil sat by his bedside the entire time, refusing to move. He slept there, he ate there whenever somebody brought him food from the cafeteria. He was scared that if he moved, if he left, Dan would wake up. And Phil didn't want Dan to wake up while he wasn't there. There were dark circles under his eyes, his hair was a mess, his clothes were wrinkled. He got sympathetic looks from everyone, but they didn't understand. They didn't understand just how close Dan and Phil had been. Dan was the only one who understood him, who put up with his odd habits, his eccentricities, his random purchases. Even his cereal eating. Dan had been his best friend, and without him it felt like a part of him was missing. Nobody to make sarcastic comments, nobody to point out the irony of the situation, nobody to stop him when he got out of control.

He was alone.

On the second day, he was pulled out of his restless sleep by movement in Dan's hospital bed. He opened his eyes immediately, to find a wide eyed Dan staring at him. He was out of his chair in half a second to embrace his best friend.

"Oh my god…" He said, relieved. "Dan. You're awake." Dan's arms reached up to complete his embrace, and Phil felt a tear slip down his cheek. "Why?" He asked. A simple question. Three letters, one syllable. But it carried so much meaning. Without even knowing it, he began to sob. "How could you-Why would you think-Do you even-" He couldn't finish a sentence, crying too hard. Dan's embrace tightened.

"I'm sorry, Phil..." He murmured. "I'm sorry."

When the nurse came in that night, she found both boys asleep, tear tracks on their faces, arms and legs intertwined. She couldn't find it within her to call security on the poor boy who'd been waiting so long in the chair. So she took Dan's vitals quickly, and went to the break room to share the gossip.

Dan had never expected to see the light of day again. Never thought he deserved to. He just wanted to leave. He hadn't thought it would affect anyone. But seeing the pain on Phil's face, seeing him actually crying, twisted his gut like a knife. Phil was such an annoyingly cheerful person all the time. It was hard to see him upset. Dan was supposed to be the unhappy one, not Phil.

He hated this. He hated what he'd done to Phil, the position he'd put him in. After all, how would he feel if Phil committed suicide? He'd been selfish, only thinking of himself.

Phil was still asleep in his arms. Every time Dan looked at him, he felt a stab of pain. There were shadows under his eyes. His hair was a mess. He was still in the clothes he'd been in when he'd left the apartment that day. He looked thin, his cheekbones sticking out more than usual. And he'd been pale for as long as Dan could remember, but he looked like a ghost now. His arms were still wrapped around Dan, clutching his tightly. The position couldn't have been very comfortable. But, Dan had to admit to himself, he was warmer and more comfortable than he ever had been with Phil's arms wrapped around him.

Phil woke up slowly, eyelids fluttering. There were still deep shadows underneath his eyes, showing like a bruise on his pale skin. Dan was watching him, he noticed. He opened his eyes all the way, the memories of the previous night returning to him. His cheeks flooded with heat, and he sat up quickly.

"Morning." Dan said softly.

"Morning." Phil replied.

"You snore, you know." Dan said after a moment.

"What? I do not!" Phil laughed. He knew they should talk about what happened, what Dan had tried to do. But right then he just wanted to enjoy the light moment with his best friend.

"He finally woke up last night." The nurse in the blue scrubs said.

"About time. How did chair boy react?" The other nurse asked, looking up from her magazine.

"All I know is, I walked in and they were laying together on the bed, all tangled up."

"Were they…?"

"Hell no. Chair boy, the black haired one, looked like he'd been crying. I think he was trying to comfort him. They were sleeping, arms wrapped around each other."

"Do you think they're dating?"

"I don't know. But if they're not, they should be."


End file.
